FORWARD MARCH

You shouldn't worry if you're moving forward or not cause we always are. What you should be thinking about is whether the direction in which you're going will lead us back and join our paths in the end.

- Mr. Moon

The beads of water poured and broke against the steel and glass of my car. It was a riot outside and I wished I was being consumed in it. Instead I was inside the cabin listening as her voice cracked in between sighs as she fought back tears in telling me what she wanted me to hear.

"It's not that I don't want to have you around. There's so much history here. So much left without closure. You know me more than anyone else just like I know you more than anyone else. You're always around and I'm not entirely sure what that means. That alone is fine, what I can't handle is the feeling I have the day after. After you leave and I find myself alone. It's confusing and the feeling you leave is anything but good.

Our friendship doesn't have to end but you can't be here because I can't move forward. If we're not together then let's not be together cause I don't want to have to deal with all the emotion the day after you leave."

I wanted to speak but instead continued driving through the raging of the rain, silenced and dumb-founded. I was never the type who said anything before thinking. I desperately tried to find meaning; to fathom what she had said and tried to make sense of all the irony in her brief revelation.

Was she feeling used? It was never my intention to make things more complicated. I wasn't being luke-warm. There isn't any other way to find closure or to move forward without taking this bull by the horns and seeing what happens next.

My body was moving on instinct as it maneuvered my black sedan through the downpour and saturday night traffic. My head was lost in the hurly-burly of thoughts that clashed in my mind.

I pulled over at their driveway. I hated and loved that place for so many years.

"God, please give me the heart to speak."

Nothing.

I wondered where my arrogant, smart-ass tongue was hiding. My chest started burning and it became harder and harder to breathe. I was drowning.

The raging rain quelled as we stood beneathe a drizzle in front of that driveway. I was hating that place more and more with each passing moment. No goodbyes. Just a peck on the cheek which failed to make me believe that it wasn't the last. I couldn't believe I was going to have to endure it all over again.

The rain pounded the ground just as she closed the door behind her. I drove home never really knowing if it was the water from the sky which was blinding my eyes.