FORWARD MARCH

You shouldn't worry if you're moving forward or not cause we always are. What you should be thinking about is whether the direction in which you're going will lead us back and join our paths in the end.

- Mr. Moon

The beads of water poured and broke against the steel and glass of my car. It was a riot outside and I wished I was being consumed in it. Instead I was inside the cabin listening as her voice cracked in between sighs as she fought back tears in telling me what she wanted me to hear.

"It's not that I don't want to have you around. There's so much history here. So much left without closure. You know me more than anyone else just like I know you more than anyone else. You're always around and I'm not entirely sure what that means. That alone is fine, what I can't handle is the feeling I have the day after. After you leave and I find myself alone. It's confusing and the feeling you leave is anything but good.

Our friendship doesn't have to end but you can't be here because I can't move forward. If we're not together then let's not be together cause I don't want to have to deal with all the emotion the day after you leave."

I wanted to speak but instead continued driving through the raging of the rain, silenced and dumb-founded. I was never the type who said anything before thinking. I desperately tried to find meaning; to fathom what she had said and tried to make sense of all the irony in her brief revelation.

Was she feeling used? It was never my intention to make things more complicated. I wasn't being luke-warm. There isn't any other way to find closure or to move forward without taking this bull by the horns and seeing what happens next.

My body was moving on instinct as it maneuvered my black sedan through the downpour and saturday night traffic. My head was lost in the hurly-burly of thoughts that clashed in my mind.

I pulled over at their driveway. I hated and loved that place for so many years.

"God, please give me the heart to speak."

Nothing.

I wondered where my arrogant, smart-ass tongue was hiding. My chest started burning and it became harder and harder to breathe. I was drowning.

The raging rain quelled as we stood beneathe a drizzle in front of that driveway. I was hating that place more and more with each passing moment. No goodbyes. Just a peck on the cheek which failed to make me believe that it wasn't the last. I couldn't believe I was going to have to endure it all over again.

The rain pounded the ground just as she closed the door behind her. I drove home never really knowing if it was the water from the sky which was blinding my eyes.

ZEAL OF ACHILLES

He stood at the deck, the captain of the ship with the black sail, with the finest warriors the world had ever known. Behind them, an unending fleet of ships from a hundred nations all charging to doom Troy. Immortality. It was their destiny and it laid on the wavering hands of chance. The gallant commander drew his sword, and, pointing to the coast, ordered his men to take it. The ores pounded on the waves pushing the Myrmidon ship forward.

First, work on your circle of influence. And so I did.

"I want you to be part of my core team cause you're a good worker and a trustworthy friend.

"Baloney! It'll never work out. You'll see."

That pretty much sums it up. In my circle, I'm astounded by how infinite the ways that line could be said.

"Why the heck are you in network marketing anyway?"

Two months have past since I graduated from medschool. Like so many other new doctors, I'm gagging for the 1.5k-2k stipend I'll be earning per month as a medical intern. The year's definitely going to be a step up from being a hospital roach. The work load practically won't change. Thirty-six hour duty, seeing 50 to a 100 patients in the ER. At least now it won't be for free. We'd actually be thrown change for all the inhumanity we'd have to endure. And from roaches we could be proud to call ourselves rodents.

Mom's been retired for a year and dad's not getting any younger. They taught us well about family, on caring at least. The philosophy is basic. The parents take care of the kids when they're too young and the kids take care of the parents when they grow too old.

I know it. But knowing what to do and having the means to do it are the same person on diferrent dimensions. I have a medical degree without a liscence working eight to thirty-six hours for a third of what we pay the house help.

"Why am I in network marketing? Because I have a need. Cause I have enough self respect to know that a 28 year old man shouldn't be palming his parents everytime he needs money. And I know a boy is not a man unless he man's up."

"But we just got out of med school, of course we don't have money."

"You really think life would cut us some slack just because we spent more time studying don't you? The world doesn't want to hear your excuses, it wants to hear your plan."

I'm going to earn my first million this year. Then I'll have the means to tilt our finances and even them out. Three years from now, I'm buying a car, with my own money. Then I might invest with my brother-in-law to put up a restaurant. And I'll do it while being a doctor.

"Bro, no offense, but you're being stupid."

It was nostalgically flat. Just like that, memories from a distant past came rushing in and flooding my head.

"Do you still want to become a doctor?"

"Of course lola, I'm meant to be a doctor. I've just been going through a lot, that's all."

"You see?"

She said turning to her son who was smoking his second stick, faced outside the door.

"He won't make it Ma. I gave up on him a long time ago."

It pierced me so exquistely that tears didn't even fall. It was then that I decided to stop so desperately following his path. I was going to make my own.

I remember it everyday. And it fuels me to be better.

"It hugs on your shoulders and cuts-in to the waist."

"It fits well. I like it. I might have four more of these made with matching pants."

The talor jotted down on his notebook as I turned from side to side infront of the mirror clad in that white coat with an MD after my name embroidered in bold navy blue just above the left breast pocket.

"I'm being stupid? Today, I might be. But thanks man, for giving me this opportunity to prove you wrong."

I said calmly as I headed to my next appointment.

QUEEN OVER JACK

It usually matters that you have it. But any real poker player would know, it's just as good to have none when they think you do and even better to have some when they think you don't. And that, my friends, is poker truth.

A full house. The win was in the bag and I knew it. The flop laid flat on the table - jack and two ten's. I quickly checked weasling in the pair jacks I was dealt and hoped for higher betting. We turned an Ace. And the bets piled up like clockwork. Four of them raised bringing the pot over 50 thousand.

"You can't all have Aces, you know. There are only four."

I grinned. I was sure atleast one of them was bluffing. It didn't matter if they made pair Aces or were betting behind three tens anyway. They were going to get owned either way. I checked tapping on the table.

The river gave up a queen. This was definitely going to get interesting with some possible hits on a straight.

"All in."

After all the betting was done, the pot grew just under 100 thousand with 6 players going all in with me.

"Nice hand sweetie."

"Thanks. =)"

It felt great! So what if it was video poker? The exhiliration was real, at least for me. It didn't cost a cent. I was playing with people all over the world and I was winning. That along with one more thing.

It was nine years ago when she left without a word back in college. One of my closest friends had left premed biology to pursue nursing.

"What? And why the hell there?"

She said it wasn't her choice to make.

"Oh yes it is! And aren't there enough nurses already?"

I was being petty, selfish - a kid. I knew I'd miss her like a toddler misses his comfort blanket in a night out of town. It was unfair.

It'd been too long but technology does have an amazing way of helping us find people we've lost. I was glad even if technology took 9 years to do it.

"Ouch. Honey, you don't go all in if the odds are pretty bad."

"Hahaha. As you said, it's not real money. hahahaha!"

"LOL. Yeah. You're right. hahaha!"

Yup, poker really is addicting. And you end up playing all night and even up until the sun's shining well after day break. I haven't had this much fun with someone I don't see or touch or hear. I knew it was her.

I was here and she was too far. I tried twice and would even go for a third. I went all the way there hoping it would be enough to see her again. It was apparently not. And among the countless times she happened to be "just passing by", or "just in the area", or "simply accompanying some relatives shopping" at the mall 15 minutes from where I live, I really never knew why she didn't call and we never met. While technology was kind, actuality was cold and heartless. It was unimaginably frustrating. And sometimes, it gets so bad that it's actually painful.

"Hey babe."

Buy in at 20 thousand.

"Hey! you're here!"

"Yes I am."

"Sorry I haven't been online since this Saturday. The connection's been down since I left and said I'd be back."

Dealt a queen and a jack.

"So, you missed me?"

All in.

"Yes I did!!!"

Flopped two, six, jack.

"Good. Cause I missed you too. =)"

Turned an ace.

"You only have to pay me 500 bucks and that's already with dinner and a movie."

"Hahaha! Sounds like a good package!"

"It is. I'll even let you cut in from all the other girls in line."

"Hahaha. You dork."

Rivered a queen. Queens over jacks with an ace kicker. 85 thousand pot.

"Oh my god! Very nice hand sweetie!"

"Hahaha. Thanks. About the package, you're thinking of taking it?"

"We'll have to schedule that."

I hit 1.7 million in total winnings with that hand.

Video poker's great.

It's not real. It's just a game. I know.

I'm never going to be sure if it plays out like this if I actually get to do it. But I'm hoping and praying that someday it will.

PHANTASM

Ghosts. Spirits who, in their former life, have failed in their pursuit. They are doomed to roam the earth searching for the peace they could never find.

We sat there in a distorted circle, our faces glowed by the dancing flames. It was well after midnight, but we continued on. Each of us listening intently, leaned forward, as we took turns revealing our dreams and how we had finally achieved them at that point in time. It was our graduation retreat.

"Thank you for bearing with me and carrying me with you. Thanks to all of you, I'm here tonight."

It went on for hours and we still did not get tired of hearing it. Each one's personal tales of friendship and victory; how they made each other strong and they had finally, against all odds, ended their journey in this moment of bliss.

Forty eight of us. Some proud to have finished exceptionally and some glad to have barely even passed.

There I sat, with candle in hand. Everyone shifted to hear me speak. I had been their president for four years and graduated with honors. And for some reason, they had decided to let me speak last because they figured that it would be some sort of climax after which the session would adjourn and we would all go off to end the night in revelry.

"I'm actually really glad to hear that you have all achieved your goals after four years. There is no other group more deserving of success, at least in my eyes. Congratulations."

I fought desperately to keep my voice from cracking.

"I look at you now and see nothing but pure joy in your eyes. As for me, I had one goal, to make my dad proud. I tried and failed miserably to reach that. I'm sorry for feeling so deeply envious of you guys."

The hall was in silence when I left.

In my room, the pen found my journal:

The Hopeless Struggle

The light you’ve shown has left me blind
Yet I keep chasing your shadow
And still I’m always left behind
The pain in me you’ll never know

Your legacy from yesteryears
I followed without any fears
But sacred dreams that I hold dear
Your heart’s desire was never near

All things I do, I offer you
I lay them down at your two feet
Your lifeless eyes didn’t have a clue
Why with my efforts they should meet

I ask the clouds and great blue sky
To share the reason why do I
Still fight to mold my future’s clay
To take the road of your past’s way

My heart has but a plain desire
Please cast these pains unto the fire
To see me lovingly, not sore
And hear you’re proud of me once more

I want you to see me clearly
Feel you kiss me again dearly
To understand ultimately
The secrets of your mystery

Through awareness that you’ve opened
I dangle my life on the line
And if your touch never softened
Eternal peace will not be mine

Hikahos

O, ako’y nasilaw mo
Pilit kong hinahabol
Habol ang anino mo
Pasang dusa’y masahol

Kahapon mong nilingap
Ay bulag kong niyakap
Ngunit aking pangarap
‘Di mo binigyang-sulyap

Tagumpay ko’y inalay
Sa paa mo’y nilagay
Mga mata mong patay
Mistulang sumasablay

Tanong sa alapaap
Bakit ko hinahanap
Aking kinabukasan
Sa iyong nakaraan

Mumunti lang ang nais
Ibsan mo ang hinagpis
Tingnan mo ng may hilig
Ang tuwa mo’y marinig

Nais kong masilayan
Muli mong mahalikan
Maunawaang tunay
Misteryo ng ‘yong kamay

Sa iyong binuksang malay
Ang diwa ko’y isinampay
Haplos mo man ay matamlay
Aasa kong walang humpay

MEDICINE, SHOWBIZ AND THE CIRCUS

See, it gets you to look at all the attractions and keeps you entertained that you end up not looking at where you're going. You don't need to be a kid or to be senile to get lost in the circus.

"Perversions of a Doctor" is what they have named it. And most would agree, rightly so. The world points their fingers at one man. But no one seems to see that it never was a one-man show.

Of course he is wrong and of course he's perverted. But then again, we all are in one form or another. The only difference being that we don't choose to keep copies of what we do in bed. It's sex for crying out loud! We all juggle like acrobats and bend like pretzels. If you don't or refuse to even try, then by god you must never have had sex with someone more than once. I shouldn't even be convincing anyone that it only becomes a scandal when someone else finds out. And this, most definitely is.

MEDICINE

Four years of pre-med, then four years of med. A year of internship and then the board exam. And if you're still alive, you can go in to residecy training for 4-5 years more to become a consultant.

The medical profession is not for any other person. It's for the intelligent who can comprehend knowledge from a library far greater than that of any other field. It's for the determined; for those who can bear long years of sacrifice and dedication to a jealous lover that is medicine. It's for the emotionally sound; individuals who can hold in their bellies unimaginable amount of emotional abuse and somehow convince themselves to see such as constructive criticism. It's for the wealthy, for none could finish it without financial stability. And lastly, for the strong; those who have the resistance to be exposed to disease and be subjected to physical abuse and somehow miraculously still remain unaffected long enough to be able to reach the dream.

For the few who have all of these qualities, survive and become a doctor, the only other thing left to do is never to make an error. In this profession, to err but once is all it takes for all the years to become an MD to slip away like sand in your hands. It really isn't fair. But then again, who said that the world was?

Needlesss to say, such a monumental blunder such as this, could only end badly for any doctor. He doesn't need his liscence revoked. His practice was dead when this scandal started.

SHOWBIZ

What I can not comprehend is how that actress ever became a victim. Even before all this, you could google her name and find more than a thousand hits, half of which showing here nude. Her movies show her nude. The magazines show her nude. Calendars show her nude. You see her in clubs and bars half nude. Then this scandal comes out showing clips of her nude and dancing and all of a sudden she's a victim? What's new? Has everyone else gone blind and retarded?

It's amazing how people respond to a woman crying. She wasn't exactly screaming rape in the video when she asked if the camera could see clear what's behind her. I don't think I've ever seen her dance that well on TV either. But I guess she was never really recognized for her acting, cause in a magnificent display of talent, she cried on national TV and everyone bought it. Now roll out the red carpet and give her the trophy.

Kudos for a memorable performance but consenting to putting yourself in a compromising spot doesn't make you a victim, it makes you an idiot. If everyone else continues to eat this up, then they must be idiots as well.

THE CIRCUS

The senator spearheading the "protection of women's rights" by pursueing this case is nothing but a fraud. He is a hypocrit who has never lifted a finger to help other victims of scandalous videos before. The only reason he's doing what he's doing now is because this is a high profile case and he wants his name in the papers. It's really quite ironic to find this known womanizer at the forefront of this battle; a futile attempt to make the public forget that he is infact also a pervert with a sex drive which puts a rabbit with raging hormones to shame. Make no mistake, he is not a hero but an insect taking everything that he can get.

Every other political figure is jumping on the bandwagon to get their name on print. From the womanizing senator's plot to draw limelight to Mr. OMB chairman who, basing on hearsay, declared that an accomplice is actually a fraternity brother (which is a baseless and eroneous assumption), all strengthens the probability that their ulterior motive is campaigning for the next election.

The story plays out so predictably. The circus is eager to come to the rescue of the boldstar in distress to gain the favor of the people. The boldstar is in distress because of a career threat and nothing more. The doctor will lose his practice whether or not he loses his liscence. And, whether I like it or not, more and more people will be stunned and captivated with all the razzle dazzle and shananigans.

In the end we would have all borne witness to a story in which everything went wrong. But when the curtains fall, everyone would still get up from their seats to a standing ovation because the show went on and didn't fail to entertain.

FIGHT NIGHT

All battles have to be fought. But some wars are not won in the field.



"We can't do this without you. We're meeting at the frat house in 30 minutes. Be there."

That was all it said. I had just woken up but that text message was enough to wipe away all the sleep from my eyes. I stumbled as I struggled to my feet, lunging at my sneakers. Running out the door, I swiped the gray American Eagle hoodie, which I always thought had a "don't mess with me or you'll get hurt" look to it. I barely even got both arms in as I got to the car. In minutes, I was racing to the meeting place.

The sun had just gone down and the sky glowed a dying amber as I sped my way hoping I got there in time. On a red light, my fingers scrimmaged pockets finding my cell. Two messages.

"Where are you? We're all here."

"We hope you still got some fight left in you cause this'll be a long night."

I grinned as I floored the gas as the light turned green.

"I still have my hands haven't I? These are practically the only things that I really need."

I parked outside the frat house. 7pm. I didn't need to go down casue my boys flooded the door as soon as they saw me. Five of us. The best five that the frat could give.

"Go. They're already at the place."

It's been a long time. I was shaking but I wasn't scared at all. If anything, I was excited. I missed the thrill and chaos. I longed for the rush. And there was nobody else I'd rather have on my side than my boys.

Not even 30 minutes and it was all over. We had them on the run and we pressed harder pushing them to a full retreat.

"There's no use hiding in there!"

"Why don't you guys try running your mouth now!"

It was brutal. All of them were badly beaten. They scattered off in different directions but it wasn't really a secret where we'd find them cowering. I knew we were too much for them but we weren't going to let off just yet. We were going to teach them a lesson they'd never forget. In minutes, we were pounding on their gate and mocking them to stand their ground.

"Are you guys just going to watch and wait for us to get in there? Come out and fight!"

A few moments more we broke inside. It was ugly and barbaric. We took turns striking and swinging at whoever we saw came close to having the slightest incling that they could stop us. The dust settled and I was sure not even an ounce of their pride remained. We left them beaten and ashamed. This was a war that we seared in their memories as in ours.

"Boooyah! Who's your daddy now?"

Some of the guys just couldn't stop. Some were now on their feet dancing around, jumping up and down like a bunch of idiots while pointing fingers at the other team and talking smack.

Game night is always fun. Defense of the Ancients (DOTA) is truly a great game.

All ten of us went outside for a smoke or a nibble. All the while, the jeering continued as the guys exchanged shoulder jabs and monkeyed around. This was the calm before the storm.

A few minutes after, the monkeys were no longer dancing and were back in the "zone". Game 2 was about to start.

JESTER'S MASK

The jester didn't enjoy wearing the mask that kept him smiling all night. If anything, he hated it. But there was a show and to please the king he knew he needed it.

Three O'clock on the dot. The drizzle did little to cool the humid air. I bursted out of the car which was haphazardly parked by the bend. It'd probably make the narrow corner more difficult to tackle but I didn't care. My brown leathers didn't offer much comfort on the two block sprint. I dashed across the intersection, paying little attention to the water licking the edge of my slacks, blocking the in coming traffic with my clipboard to a halt. I wasn't going to be late.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"I know, right? And I was even here by 1:30."

The line to the department's office on the 5th had made it to the stairs and stretched clear through the 4th floor hall. The place buzzed with all the people there, some needing papers to be signed and others needing a slot schedule for make-ups, myself included. It's been a month since I was here talking to the officer-in-charge regarding my concern.

"You're in luck sir. Someone backed out and a slot is free for 2 days."

"Great! I'll take it. No matter what day, sign me up."

Some people just seem to find meaning in their role to make life difficult to live. I'm sure just about everyone has met one or another. Apparently, encoutering THE MAN isn't as rare as the occasions you get to "stick it" to him.

"You can't give that slot to him. Someone just called and took that slot. I'm sorry doctor, all slots for this month and the next have been filled. The next opening would be 2 months from now and scheduling for those slots will be open on the 3rd week of next month."

"Is that so? Ok then, may I have the office number so that I can call you every now and then to check if someone backed out of their slot?

"Of course not sir, you have to come back here and line up for scheduling just like everyone else."

She posted a smug look and a sly grin as she observed the reaction I had after what she just said.

"You just said that someone called to take slots a while ago. You must have a happy proctologist cause right now, you're being a bit of an ass."

Was what I should've said. But instead, I have ok'ed into an unreasonably long wait and a potential danger to delaying the start of my medical internship. And so, there I was, during the 3rd week of May, standing yet again in an unbareably long line.

An hour later, I managed to inch my way up the 5th floor with some of the people in line giving up on the wait. Tuesday's and Friday's - 3:15pm to 4:00pm. It was unreasonable considering that we had to break away from wherever we were on duty, on office hours at that, to make it. But everyone in cue on that line had made that sacrifice to take care of their business.

The door moved and creaked open.

"Finally!"

The hall moaned with sighs of relief which resounded just that. THE MAN, peeped out.

"Oh my! What a long line!"

It sounded like she had practiced saying that a couple of times before she actually did. She was clad in her trademark hyena-grin too. It was well past 4pm.

"Well, our office still couldn't entertain you as of the moment and I just wanted to inform you that all those needing signatures couldn't be entertained today cause the dean isn't here. All those who came for slots for make-ups should know that we decided to move the scheduling last week and we have filled the slots for next month. You can come back on Friday to see if anyone has backed out of their slot."

One by one the people left, clearly dismayed. And they have every right to be. It was unprofessional and downright inconsiderate. But nothing could be done.

"You should be proud to be the biggest smart-ass around, cause that's the only smart you'll ever be you crazy witch! I have been through so many things and overcame so many trials to become a doctor, we all have. And you have got to be out of your mind to think that I am going to remain here watching idly as you make a mockery out of who we are and what we have dreamed for so long to be! Now, go in that office and get the dean on the phone cause I want to talk to him!"

Fantastic! Only, I said that in my mind as I was staring hopelessly at that demented hag. I was infuriated. Just about ready to explode. Yet, in the back of my mind a little voice was telling me to hold it and just keep it together. I listened to that whisper which second after second grew louder and louder. The familiar voice of reason. I knew that vexing THE MAN would lengthen the red tape by a mile and then I could've never gotten the job done.

"Friday it is. But the rainy season has arrived and you better not get sick - EVER."

I said to myself as the elevator doors headed ground floor closed shut.